Dearest Winter,

While you could arguably be dubbed the most beautiful season at your best, you more often than not find yourself on my “shit-list”.

I’m a wimp. I fucking hate the cold.

Snow covered landscapes kissed by morning light as the sun lazily creeps over the conifers may seem achingly gorgeous, sure. Lapping waves over pebble beaches momentarily embraced by sand and stone by way of the frozen waters – an untame entity briefly quieted by the cold… what a lovely and beauteous image.

But fuck that.

And fuck you, winter. Too bad you’re a fucking dicknail.  I’m cold, pissy, and depressed because it gets dark at, like, 4 pm. Plus, I’m fat, now. Your freezing, dark depravity is making me crave comfort food like it’s nobody’s business. Guess what I’m eating right now, you son of a bitch – a block of cheese. I am eating… a block… of cheese (classy, expensive cheese, but still). And it’s your fault. All I want to stuff my face with is fat drenched, cheesy, shitty, warm and hearty crap which, I know – I could totally make healthy on my own but do NOT start pointing your finger at me, you fucking heathenistic miscreant of a season. How dare you.

I’m not the one that decided to start dropping my temperature to an unbearable level just to be a dick.

I’m not the one who unloaded a shit ton of precipitous excrement on YOUR windshield when you had to get your ass to work to try to actually make a LIVING.

I’m not the one that forced a multitude of adorable, albeit exceedingly dangerous, creatures to sleep for, like, EVER so the rest of us have to live our lives without the adorableness of said creatures for MONTHS you MONSTER!!!!


I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

You know what? You’re just doing your job. I know that, and… I may not like it at times, but this is what you were deigned to do. And I need to accept that. I know you’re not inherently evil. No, really, I know that, it’s just… I mean… do you have to be such a dick about it? Because, no offense, sometimes you’re kind of a dick about it. Can we move past this? I promise not to yell and hem and haw and post derogatory updates about you so long as you promise to not be as much of a dick…?


You are heartless and you are my least favorite season : (


2 responses to “Solstice


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