Recipe for Frustration… and Kale

I’m missing a show tonight. A really fucking awesome show. I’m bummed.

Yeah, Yob opened up for Neurosis at the Seattle NYE show I went to this past year, sure, but I was PSYCHED when I heard they would be touring again. Before then, I had never seen them live and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t one of the heaviest, most intense doom metal sets I’ve been witness to. Then of course the whole shoulder thing panned out, and after a bit of back and fourth and weighing pro’s and con’s… I’m missing a great show. An epic show. A “how the fuck could you miss that?!” show. I’m gonna stop talking about it because it’s just going to make me more upset. Woe is me, womp womp womp…

Generally when I’m in this kind of FML mood, I turn to cooking. I’m no master chef but it’s something I both enjoy and feel like I kinda rock at. This has of course been a challenge for the past month as my current condition doesn’t allow for… I mean, a lot of stuff, let’s be honest. Last night I successfully made a batch of buffalo chik’n dip sustaining only minor injuries, and last week I made a fucking pizza! A PIZZA! And it didn’t suck, I have people who can attest! Junk-food mania 24/7 over here and I’ve got the extra “I swear I used to be skinny” poundage to prove it. But today was different. The thought of cheesey, creamy, fatty, bleh… ugh, I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it. But yeah, so, it made me nauseous. I woke up for the first time since surgery craving nothing but fresh fruit, grilled veggies and leafy greens. Thusly, my dietary intake today has been spot on in the healthy/cruelty free dept. After a breakfast of berries and toast with peanut butter, and a lunch of grilled veggies, a side of hummus, and a heaping portion of disappointment that I would be missing out on an event I’d been looking forward to for months… I decided to attempt to make dinner for my sorry ass self. You’re enthralled, I can tell.

So, going back to the whole one armed thing (yeah, I’m sick of it too)… you have to keep it simple. One of my favorite go-to dishes which I spent half the day craving is a kale and asparagus stir-fry, but that’s way too much cutting (for me… atm). Stick to the basics, friends. One handed, you can easily cut a block of tofu into neat little slices and tear the leafy goodness off of a bunch of kale. This is seriously a fuck-up free, child’s play recipe with super minimal ingredients and it’s pretty damn good. If I can do it, you can do it. Here’s how:

What you need –

– Half a block of tofu (so 7 oz.)
– 1 bunch kale
– 2 lemons

– Red pepper flakes, garlic salt, and pepper to taste.
– A glug or two of olive oil.

– Cut the tofu into medium rectangles (not cubed, not huge blocks… your call, though)
– Coat the tofu in fresh lemon juice (half of to one full lemon), chili flakes, garlic salt, and pepper and let sit for a few.
– Heat the olive oil in a large skillet, and add tofu slices one by one, gently, after a minute or so, cooking until golden brown on each side… then set aside.
– Who needs a knife? Rip the shit out of that bunch’o’kale and rinse, rinse, rinse!
– Speaking of rinsing, rinse out that skillet you just used for the tofu because we’re using that to steam the kale. Fewer dishes to wash = Mo’ betta’
– Transfer the freshly rinsed kale to the freshly rinsed skillet, add your fresh lemon juice (again, half to a full lemon depending on your love of citrus), a dash or two of red pepper flakes, and steam!!!

And… you’re good. Seriously, it was that easy.

Cripple Dinner!

Now, grab yourself a lemonade spritzer, a/k/a vodka soda with a splash or two of lemonade (or juice, you got lemons!), and you’re good to sit back, stuff your face, and let the tears of disappointment & contempt for the doctor that yanked at your muscles stream down your face. I mean, hey! A concert was what got you into this mess in the first place, right? Damnit, I’m projecting again…

Now, excuse me while I eat an entire carton of ice cream. My fat cells are concerned and confused.


One response to “Recipe for Frustration… and Kale

  1. I can’t open my mouth enough to chew anything so I ate about a half pint of sea salt caramel gelato for dinner. mmmm.

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